Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
