Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
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I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
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I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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