so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
