Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
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