Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
