i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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