My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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