u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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