Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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