It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize