So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
