you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
