Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
