Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
