I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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