I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
