how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
