My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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