I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
