As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
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