Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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