i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
