she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
