pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
