i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Boobs speak an international language.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Oh god it's open bar.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
