A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
