Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
