just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
