dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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