Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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