No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
