his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
