Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You can't motorboat a personality
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Randomize
