I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
