I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
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The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
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She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.