I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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