this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
