I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
