I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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