he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
