I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
