New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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