I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
