I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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