Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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