dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
