The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
