White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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