When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
