and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
FUCK WHALES
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
