you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
