Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
