He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
