so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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