You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
