I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
