Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
