Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
