you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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