I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
